The Love Languages Of CommunicationDec 20, 2022
We routinely create assumptions when we communicate with other people. But making assumptions is the biggest pitfall of communication because when we make up negative stories and believe them, we show up inauthentic to the other person. In this episode, Yanet Borrego discusses the love languages of communication. She teaches us a way of communicating without making assumptions and creating gaps. She also shares the different steps to becoming a good communicator. This is game-changing information that will help you become a good communicator in a short time. Tune in to this episode now!
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The Love Languages Of Communication
The biggest pitfall of communication is making assumptions. In this episode, we are going to talk about the love languages of communication. I titled this episode “The Love Languages of Communication” because, let’s be honest, we all appreciate the book, The 5 Love Languages. We all appreciate that this book provides us with a perspective on how we give and receive love.
The biggest pitfall of communication is making assumptions.
By using these labels, we can understand each other better and be more effective at giving and receiving love. This also applies to communication. It is so important that we understand how people process communication, how they process thoughts, and how they give and receive communication. For this reason, we are going to talk about the two love languages of communication.
This is so important because the more you understand these two styles, the more you put effort into making less assumptions. Assumptions are a way that our brain uses in order to bridge the gap in communication. If we don’t understand something very well, then we start making assumptions. The risk of making assumptions is that sometimes we make stories in our mind that may cap our potential. Sometimes those stories also cap the way we show up.
If we believe these stories and if these stories are negative, then we start showing up in our relationships without being our authentic selves, transparent, and being there to really be present for the other person. Have you ever been in a conversation where you have a story running in your mind about this person, and this person is just trying to connect, but for some reason, you’re so involved in this story that you cannot pay attention to what that person is saying?
Many times, we hold resentment because we are not understood and we are not seen. Part of this life is taking responsibility for that change. It’s taking responsibility to be empowered, focus on the things we can control, take action on those things that we can also control, and the way we communicate. That’s one of the main things we can control. The way we think and feel, and the things we believe. Even though we cannot control how other people communicate, we can ask more questions when we fall into the trap of starting to assume things based on whatever they are telling us.
I’m going to teach you these two styles. They are going to be game-changers. They have been game-changers for me in my romantic relationship and my business with my clients. They have been in my career, too. Everywhere that I show up and communicate, I try to be present and intentional keeping in mind these two communication styles.
I remember teaching these two concepts to a coaching client, and she realized that the way she was communicating wasn’t the way her husband was receiving that communication and wasn’t also the way he was communicating to her. By understanding this and applying the concepts, she was able to significantly improve her romantic relationship. It was such a beautiful transformation to see with a minor shift and a simple shift. This is going to be easy to implement, which is so important to create this sustainable change.
Let’s talk about the two love languages of communication. People communicate, meaning that they speak. They also listen, meaning that they receive information. These two styles apply to both speaking and listening. Let’s start with speaking. There are two types of speakers when it comes to giving information, literal speakers and inferential speakers.
Literal speakers are those people that tell you what they need. They are very direct and tell you what they need. They don’t usually leave gaps for assumptions. They tell you, “I need a glass of water.” Inferential speakers speak more indirectly. Instead of saying, “Please give me a glass of water,” they will say, “I’m very thirsty.” Even unconsciously, what they are waiting is for you to realize that they are thirsty and, therefore, they need a glass of water.
If the person who is listening is a literal listener, that person would never understand what they are meaning because the way that they are listening is literal. If the speaker is inferential, there is this gap of communication where the two of them cannot understand. This is not always the case. Not to generalize, but this is based on my observation.
Sometimes males tend to be more direct and literal. They are listening and speaking. Sometimes women tend to be more inferential. I remember a few years ago, I was highly inferential until I realized that not everyone would understand what I meant because I hadn’t communicated directly what I meant. I’ve transitioned from inferential to literal because literal doesn’t give space for the assumption.
“I need a glass of water.” There is no doubt that you are asking for a glass of water. “Could you please give me a glass of water?” That’s even more direct and more action-oriented. “I’m thirsty,” which is usually how inferential speakers speak. They expect you to infer what they mean. It is not direct communication at all.
I’m not saying one is better than the other. What I’m saying is in order to be an effective communicator with your teams, clients, family members, and your partner, the less gaps you leave in that communication and the less room for assumptions that you leave, the better. People are like, “This is what she’s saying. Let’s take action on it.”
The same applies to listeners. There are people that you tell them, “I’m so thirsty.” You’re in their house, and they’re like, “I was thirsty one hour ago. What a coincidence.” They’re literally listening to everything you say without interpreting anything. An inferential listener would completely infer that that person is asking for a glass of water.
When it comes to listeners, if you are a person who listens literally to what a person says, and your partner is an influential speaker. You, as a literal listener, can practice more of asking more questions. If your partner, boss, or whoever tells you, “I’m really thirsty.” You can ask that person, “Are you telling me this because you want me to gain that information or are you telling me this because you want me to give you a glass of water?”
It is so simple but it’s so many times missed. The whole purpose of this episode, you as a communicator, is to understand that we all communicate differently. When we take it to the bigger picture, there are speakers who are literal and inferential. There are listeners who are literal and inferential. It doesn’t matter which one you are.
The first step is awareness. The second step is to communicate in a way that leaves no room or at least little room for assumptions. If you are an inferential speaker, try to be more direct with your communication because different people would interpret what you are saying differently. Not only that, your need or want is not going to be met because you never directly communicated that.
If you are a literal listener, it is so important that you ask questions. You may have people on your team, a romantic relationship, or be surrounded by people that don’t communicate literally, and you expect them to communicate literally. What you need to do is to ask more questions to those people. You’ll be like, “Am I getting this information because you just want to communicate information or do you want me to do something about it?” It is so important that 1) You don’t make assumptions and 2) You ask more questions. Some simple action you can take as you move forward is to start getting familiar with which style you are. Are you a literal or inferential listener? Are you a literal or inferential speaker?
Based on this, do you need to ask more questions to get more clarification and assume less? Do you need to speak more directly so you don’t leave room for gaps in your communication and people assuming what you’re saying? It is so interesting because I truly believe that communicating directly and with no gaps is a skill to be learned.
This is something that the more I get into a personal development world, the more I invest my energy in making sure that I’m communicating directly, tactfully, and efficiently because it is a game-changer. Whenever you make these assumptions, there is something missing in the communication. If you are not direct about what you want, your thoughts, or asking questions to get clarification, many times, this ends on resentment and misunderstanding. All of those things that we struggle with when it comes to communication.
My question for you is, which one of these are you, inferential or literal? What is the next step for you to become a better communicator? Maybe it’s, “I communicate directly. Sometimes I need to be more tactful in my communication.” Sometimes literal speakers tend to be very direct, which is amazing. I’m also a very direct person, and there is a way that they can find more tact and kindness in their communication. It doesn’t mean that they need to be more indirect. It means that we need to choose our words in order to build rapport and influence while we are delivering a powerful message.
Another step. Get familiar with the people that are close to you. Your employees, if you’re a business owner, a manager, or you work with people. With your partner, go through this exercise and ask them, “Which of the two styles are you? What can we do in order to improve our communication based on what we know now?” You can do this with every single person that you are close to or you want to have better communication. This is a game-changer.
If you take this information and apply it to yourself first and then to others, I can guarantee you are never going to be the same, in an amazing way, in terms of how you communicate. You’re going to be more effective and influential. There will be a lot less of misunderstandings because now you know what they mean, and they know what you mean. I hope this was helpful. This was a super short episode. Please share with your friends and family. That’s how we continue building this community of empowered individuals, teams, and everyone else who is reading. Thank you so much for tuning in. I hope you have an amazing week. I’ll see you soon.
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