The Stages Of Grief And The Healing Process With Melanie ButzMar 21, 2023
We never want to see our loved ones depart from this world. That fear of loss tends to push us towards the denial of losing them. In this episode, Melanie Butz, a Health and Wellness Coach, delves into the stages of grief and the healing process we face when we face loss. Melanie mentions that it’s okay not to accept loss, but we must acknowledge our new reality to allow us to create new connections and experiences. Anger guards us against pain, but we must face them and deal with our anger to be vulnerable. Tune in to this episode and learn more about the different stages of grief we must deal with to heal.
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The Stages Of Grief And The Healing Process With Melanie Butz
I am super excited because I have a very dear friend in the show and also a fellow coach, Melanie Butz. Welcome, Melanie, to the show.
Thank you, Yanet. I am happy to be here.
I am so excited to have you. Let me give you a brief intro of this amazing woman. Melanie is a board-certified integrity, health, and wellness coach and also, a registered yoga and meditation teacher. Her passion is crafting customized wellness plans that include modalities such as NLP, yoga, breath work, and hypnosis. She has all the toolbox to help anyone in their wellness journey. I am so excited, Melanie, again for you to be here. Thank you so much.
Thank you for having me. This is exciting.
Melanie, before this episode, I was like, “Let me remember our journey like how we met and how we still kept in touch.” Melanie and I met through the Neuro-Linguistic Programming world. We were doing our NLP coaching certification. I was thinking how did we even connect? Was that video, telephone, or email? Do you remember, Melanie?
I do remember because about halfway through, we were required to coach each other. We were paired up together. It was through telephone conversations.
I’m so glad you remember. We met virtually because we were required to pair with each other and then we roomed when we took our NLP certification for coaching. We stayed again when we became trainers of NLP to be able to certify other people in the modality of NLP. We also were roommates. We have a great dynamic. Melanie, you’re someone that I admire so much. You have such a kind demeanor. You’re so knowledgeable in every aspect, physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual.
I couldn’t think of anyone else to talk to about this topic because this is a very vulnerable one. Melanie and I were catching up and she mentioned the topic of grief. I also was telling her about my experience from the Vipassana meditation course, and how I’m still grieving my uncle and my grandmother who passed away. I know Melanie is passionate about this topic. After we hang up, I was like, “Let’s talk about grief on the show.” This is going to be a combo between both of us. We are going to discuss the stages of grief and how we have lived our own journeys and situations that we have lived in our lives with the whole purpose of inspiring all of you. Also, supporting you through this process because the reality is that you are not alone.
When you said you are not alone, I find our society, at least here in the States, were illiterate when it comes to grief. When somebody loses somebody, we find it hard to talk about or bring up. A client of mine had lost her mother and she said, “Grief is so lonely.” It made me pull back and realize that we need to be able to talk about grief like all other emotions. Also, vulnerability. It takes vulnerability to where we can bring it up with friends like, “I’m sad. I need to talk about my mom.” Grief goes beyond the people that we’ve lost. It’s the loss of jobs or lifestyle. It’s all sorts of losses.
That point of the journey is lonely and many times, as we have said before, we are not even comfortable asking for help or to be taken care of because we think we can do it or we need to do it all by ourselves. This is just an example, but one weekend, I was sick. I had allergies. I don’t know if you have struggled with it, but in Houston, the pollen is definitely in abundance everywhere.
It’s spring in Texas.
I never struggled with allergies but for some reason, I was struggling. I was supposed to have coffee with a friend and I couldn’t go because I wasn’t feeling well. Without me asking her, she insisted to bring coffee and a pastry. Even that act of her showing up made me feel so cared for. I even told her, “It feels so nice for someone to take care of you.”
We don’t ask for that because sometimes being vulnerable requires us to be very uncomfortable or to recognize that we don’t have necessarily our stuff together at that time. We are coaches and it doesn’t matter how much we are training with personal development. We have our ups and lows like everyone else. We have the tools and we’re still growing even in those tools. I want to also mention that because we’re human beings.
I’m always learning no matter what step I’m taking in my journey.
Melanie, we want to know more about you. What is your background? Where were you born? I know you have a very interesting and fascinating career journey. If you can touch on that because a lot of our readers are also seeking that purpose in terms of career and everywhere else. I love also bringing guests into the show that have had an unconventional path when it comes to their careers.
I grew up in a very small town in the Midwest in Northeast Ohio. I am raised Roman Catholic. I have lots of brothers and sisters. There are seven of us in total. My dad was the town physician. I think that was my first step into the wellness journey that I’m on. Not only was he the town doctor and the OB-GYN, but he also took up the modalities of acupuncture and hypnosis back in the ‘70s.
He was such a pioneer for such a small town to bring those modalities of health or healing into the community. Along with that, there’s a lot of talk of energy. I grew up second nature knowing that there was something beyond this physical self that we’re walking around. We have this energy body. I feel that was deeply rooted in me. Even though I grew up very traditional, I grew up as a woman seeking to make a stamp in the world career-wise, knowing that it’s going to take a lot of masculine energy to do that.
I immediately went into the big city of Dallas and found a career in business and then investments. I got my Business degree. I lived and breathed my career in this very male-dominated world and capitalistic world. It served me in many ways. I was providing for my growing family at that time and it was exciting because I didn’t know what I didn’t know. All the things that I knew about wellness, it was on the backseat until I realized as I started to go into my mid-30s and whatnot. I realized, “I’m not feeling as well as I would like to be.” You go to the doctors and you find these doctor’s reports coming back. It made me stop and think because I knew how important it was for my own health and wellness to be here for my family.
As the years went on, I was exploring everything and anything to do to get myself back to that state of high energy. I realized that my purpose or my passion in life was back into that wellness and be like, “If I can feel this way, could I help others feel the same way?” My passion for the financial world and the busyness of that started to fade.
That’s when I started seeking out my certifications through health coaching, yoga, meditation, hypnosis, NLP, and all of it where it was time for me to retire from corporate and trust that the universe was showing me another way to find the purposeful work that I think we are all here to feel. That’s where you feel fulfilled. It’s not money. It’s what are we here to do. That’s where I sit now where I am doing what I love. It’s a lot of work and space-holding, but I wouldn’t want it any other way.
I love it so much because our journey is similar in terms of we went through a corporate environment. It’s not that we hated it. It’s just that we have bigger aspirations like you, yoga, mental, and emotional. It’s similar to me in terms of mindset coaching. I love that you mentioned you were experimenting because I think that’s a theme that comes with most of the show. Clarity is followed by a by-product of experimenting and you trying, “What resonates with me? What feels right?” I love that you went through that journey before you made that transition.
As you said, we are still working on it. Any business owner, it’s a day-by-day project in terms of we’ve got to figure things out as we go because we are getting new information too. It’s operating in this uncertainty zone and creating from there, which is a present moment. Melanie, how did you decide to make that decision? Something that I’m super passionate about is decision-making and those bold decisions that are aligned are one of the hardest ones. What were your decision drivers for you to go from corporate to full-time business owner?
I would say that for me, it was about trust. To be honest, I knew that I had a partner that would support me in every way. It’s not only on the emotional side but also the financial side. I had that safety net for that aspect, but along with that, it was hard for me to make that decision because it was like transitioning from a lifestyle I knew into something that I did not know anything about and it was scary.
It was back and forth so many times for 2 to 3 years after I retired from corporate. I was like, “Did I make the right decision?” The further steps I took away from it, I knew. I don’t know if you experienced that as you transitioned away as well. The word vulnerability comes up because it almost felt like I was giving away my independence as that strong woman. It was giving up a bit of the masculine energy to lean into the feminine energy to where it’s like, “Lean into that. Create what you’re here to do.” We both need both types of energy. I wanted to feel more balanced in that where it’s like, “It’s time for me to create and to introspect. What is it that I can help the world do? What is my place in the world?”
Vulnerability comes up because it was giving up a bit of the masculine energy to lean into the feminine energy. We both need both types of energy.
I resonate, and I think that’s part of the grieving process. Even though we made that decision, it’s still challenging. It’s even more challenging at times. The fact that you are making a decision to leave something amazing for something even bigger and more meaningful for you. Even though the financial piece may not be there yet in terms of the project versus your corporate salary, etc.
I do think when we make that big of a decision, it’s normal to weave the familiar to miss what we know like the people. Even entrepreneurship, at times, can be a lonely journey if you haven’t found your tribe yet or you don’t have that community compared to the corporate umbrella where you are talking to the people that you need to talk to. You build relationships by default because you’re in that context of being part of a bigger organization.
It’s very normal. I’ve felt it from the transition from corporate to entrepreneurship, but I also felt it when I left my first corporate job at ExxonMobil to go work for Accenture. Even though I knew that was the right aligned path, the first few months is so different. Consulting is so different than what I was doing. The first few months, I was like, “Did I make the right decision? What is going on?” I identify with you, Melanie because that’s part of the process even leaving a relationship and starting a new one. Not all the time you’re going to feel fully aligned. There is a grieving process and that’s what we are here to talk about too. What is grief for you? How would you define that?
The word that comes to mind is any loss that we have. The name of the emotion that comes up very well might be sad but grief is where it names the process. Sadness is part of the process of grief. With grief, it looks and feels so different for every single one of us. The journey of grief can look and feel different for everybody. It could be constant and for the rest of our lives. That’s where when we have a loss and then life goes on. It keeps going for people. If we’re still grieving, that gives us a sense of, “I shouldn’t be in this place of grief any longer,” and that’s not true. That’s where a lot of people get stuck with the guilt of it or the shame of like, “I shouldn’t be feeling this way.” You are supposed to feel this way. That’s what I want to say to people. It’s okay.
Thank you so much for that. I relate to many of the things you said. Also, grief in a way pushes you to start operating when and to start letting go of that certainty that you were familiar with. You’re right. Now that you have lost something, you are a different person. Your identity is shifting. The way you knew the world is shifting and it’s also breathing that transition of yourself that happens when your reality starts looking differently.
It’s interesting because it’s a forced transition in many ways if you are not decided. When something happens like you get laid off or you get fired or a family member passes away, which is something that you’re never ready for, from my experience many times, your reality has changed. The certainty that you knew is not certain anymore. Now you’re operating in full uncertainty. I think naturally, all of us at the deepest level are afraid of uncertainty because we don’t know what may happen next.
If it’s your first time like I lost my uncle and grandmother for the first time, I had never lost anyone else in my family because my family is small. Even getting to know myself through the process, I didn’t know how I was going to respond and I’m still going through it. A year and a half after, I’m still getting to know myself on how I’m processing that grief. It’s such an interesting process as you said. Feeling aversion, feeling that we don’t have to experience this, or rejecting life because we’re reacting to what is rejecting the present moment. It intensifies the motion way instead of sitting and accepting what we are experiencing.
You said it’s the denial of it. A lot of times, we want to push it away and go back to that normality but in itself, I know that one of the stages of grief is denial. David Kessler who’s such a wonderful soul made his life work all about grief. He says that denial is a graceful thing. It spreads that grief over time so that we have the ability to breathe. It gives us a little bit of space. I experienced a big loss. My first husband passed away and I denied it probably for ten years. You’re like, “Why in the world? How in the world could you do that?” I explain it like I put on blinders like you would a horse because it was like, “I’ve got three children to raise.”
For them not to have denied anything was my purpose. I don’t want them to experience anything differently. I was doing the best that I could. Where I’m going, I always look back and say, “I could have done that so much better,” but that again is the thing, like what you were saying, that stay in the present moment and know that you did the best you could.
Truly, it was through those modalities. Those other modalities of yoga primarily then that stepped into my life to say, “Let’s start opening up this box.” Through all of that, the other parts of the stages of grief started to happen, which was very interesting. The more I’ve learned, studied, and held space for other people that have been grieving, it allows me to look at my journey through grief and the way that I’ve acted. In the end, it’s all about forgiveness. Forgiving myself for “not doing it right,” or I could have been doing it differently.
That’s such an important point. The one you touch around spreading the grief because as we know, the unconscious mind is here to keep us safe. Many times, we are just not ready to deal with everything at the same time. We are in this survival mode. By the way, if you are experiencing grief or not, many times, we are in survival mode. Experiencing grief, what I’ve been realizing lately is a reason to celebrate because it means also in a way that you’re ready to heal from it.
If not, you would be still in the denial phase. Being in that survival stage is what leads us to be in the denial stage. It’s so interesting how even one person experiences grief differently in different situations. I remember in high school, I had a couple of boyfriends and serious relationships. I remember breaking up or them breaking up with me and the next day, it’s like nothing happened but then, a few days after, it would hit me. It was that denial of you are still in shock in many ways.
However, when my uncle passed away, it was different because he was suffering from cancer. As you may know with cancer, you see that slow decline. I was even grieving as he was disappearing in many ways. I remember one time we were talking on the phone. He was in Cuba and I was here. I was talking and I’m like, “Hello?” He was so weak. He fell asleep or something. I grieved during the process and I’m still grieving.
I love that you mentioned that it took you ten years. What I discovered in Vipassana is it opened up so many of those channels of vulnerability for me to experience more of that grief. I’m working through it and I’m healing from it. I have never had the opportunity to look back at my childhood and realize how many times I lost people because we were in survival mode. We went from Cuba. There were twelve years when I didn’t see my family. I stayed in Mexico for three years and move away from Mexico. I left all the friendships. I left my stepfather for many reasons.
There were so many living people behind. I would say until now that I’m realizing this, I’ve been in the survival mode of achieving or doing more. Now, for the first time, I feel more of my feminine energy balancing up with the masculine and it still feels uncomfortable. That happened when I was twelve years old and before and after. It’s so interesting when sometimes you’re not ready to process things until one day you are. When you are, it’s a positive sign that you are allowing more space for everything that’s coming up.
Grief is associated with the loss of a loved one because they’ve transitioned. In your case, what I’m hearing is that you experienced grief over and over again because you kept people leaving or you had to leave the situation. Each time, the process of grief had to start over or another layer of grief on top of the grief that you experienced. That’s a lot. I wanted to truly stop and commend you for what you’ve been through and how you have allowed all these experiences to make you who you are and to accept that in a way that you can now stand in a place that helps guide and help others.
Thank you so much, Melanie, and you, too. It’s not easy to stand in a show where everyone will read it and we are talking about the most vulnerable parts of our lives. As we continue growing, you start feeling this deep acceptance of like, “This is another tool or situation to help and guide others.” It’s to continue guiding myself because we are still in the healing process of the situations that happened in the past. I appreciate you mentioning that. That was sweet of you.
Again, the word acceptance is part of the process but when we hear the word acceptance, what pops up is like, “I’m ‘over’ it.” We’re talking about grief in the most profound way. It’s okay not to accept a loss. Acceptance means that I’m finally acknowledging a new reality. That doesn’t mean the new reality is okay, but the acceptance of, “This is what is now,” allows an individual to then take another step to listen to their own needs and to be more open. It provides us to be a little more vulnerable and hopefully, make new connections and new experiences and find a bit of joy in those new connections and experiences.
Acceptance means finally acknowledging a new reality. That doesn't mean the new reality is okay, but accepting it allows an individual to take another step to listen to their needs and to be more open.
What was important is what you said about differentiating acceptance of, “I’m over it,” versus the acceptance of, “It doesn’t matter if you’re feeling sad or angry.” Accepting what is because that helps us process it. Instead of running away from the anger which is not disappearing. We continue to suppress those to suppress emotions, which in the end, it elongates some of these phases because we were not ready to deal with them at that time.
As we know through our learnings through NLP and the subconscious mind, what we avoid will eventually come up right to the surface and it pursues us but with that pursuing of, “You’ve got to take care of these things that are bubbling up.” We can look at that in a way that says, “This is a time that truly can transform me to take those steps.” We always come back to that word we started with vulnerability. It takes us to be scared. It’s scary.
It is scary because as we said, it’s operating out of the uncertainty zone. I’m going through things for the first time. There is something scary as that is like, “Where am I? What’s going on?” It’s because sometimes or often, we think there is a right or wrong. That’s so damaging to have that belief that the right choice or the wrong emotion is the right emotion. This dualistic black-and-white view of right and wrong is damaging the way that we are trying to fix into boxes what is.
It’s because what is is what is. It doesn’t matter what label we are putting it around. Part of having more wisdom and healing through the process is going back to the present moment and getting to know yourself because even experiencing that sadness and that anger, you tuning into it is getting to know yourself. The more we try to fit into another box or walk away from what we are feeling, we walk away from getting to know ourselves. How we are showing up and having full acceptance of what that is.
We cannot change things that have happened.
I think we covered shock and denial well. There are different frameworks for the stages of grief we were reading and there is one with five stages. There is another one with seven stages but in the process, I’m looking at the seven stages of grief, which is more granular in a way. They have pain, guilt, and anger. Those emotions you were feeling are sometimes the loss is so unbearable that we show up in ways that may also hurt the people around us. They’re feeling their needs because we are in so much pain that we don’t know how to manage the pain and the guilt also.
That’s a cycle that, unfortunately, we might find ourselves angry and then we feel guilty because we were angry. As we know, we have to work with the anger, and underneath the anger is that sadness. This is another thing that David Kessler said. If we think of anger, it is the bodyguard to pain. We’d rather be angry so that maybe we don’t feel the pain or show the pain to others. Again, how we are brought up might be like, “Stop crying. We don’t shed tears. Grow up. Crying is for babies.” Subconsciously we’re thinking, “I guess it’s better to be angry than sad.”
David Kessler viewed anger as the bodyguard to pain. We'd rather be angry so we don't feel or show the pain to others.
Someone angry is stronger than someone sad who is weak and vulnerable. Sometimes we feel those things and it’s true. Anger is also more of that masculine energy. Rigidity in anger versus pain is a lot more vulnerable in many ways. It’s pain, guilt, and anger. We use this with our clients all the time. You and I have learned timeline therapy, which is a technique that we call mental and emotional release. It is highly effective. You still need to heal in the way you show up. Even if the baggage has disappeared, the present is still the present and you’re still going through grief, healing, and forgiving. I think it’s a process that continues. That’s why I found this process with my clients.
We have pain, guilt, anger, and bargaining. Bargaining is one that when I read it, I was like, “I don’t know if I’m super familiar in my experience with this one.” Bargaining is basically asking higher power that you’ll do anything if they grant you the relief of those emotions which in a way is trying to walk away from those emotions to feel happy with bargaining with something else. Have you ever experienced that?
For me, bargaining is the thought process of, “I wish I would’ve done things differently. I wish I would’ve said this before they passed.” Maybe if it’s like, “If only I would have done this, then this wouldn’t happen,” like a failed marriage or even somebody that has passed. There are all sorts of losses that you could say, “What if I would’ve done that differently?” All of that is the underlying feeling of that guilt. Guilt is deeply embedded in that part of bargaining to me. As you said, it’s still part of like, “I wish I would have.”
It doesn’t matter where you go, that’s not going to happen so it creates more suffering. That’s another stage. Again, we all go through these stages differently and in different orders. Sometimes, we don’t go through one of them. This is not an exact roadmap. The only thing we want you to trust is your experience.
We are here to provide the context and the content of our own experience. At the end of the day, whatever your experience is, be compassionate towards yourself. Be kind and more than anything. Be in those moments as your best friend. However you would treat another best friend other than you, how would you treat that person? You wouldn’t be like, “Stop being angry. What the heck is going on with you?” You would have compassion and kindness.
Also, open space. I would encourage people, whether you’re a friend of somebody that is experiencing great loss or you are that person, it’s that opening up to where it’s okay to have a conversation about the loss. That takes us to understand who that person be who will listen but to talk about it is where coaches come in. We’re there to always hold that space. Again, that feeling when our society is like, “Don’t bring up anything that might make somebody cry.” Why not? It’s okay and if they cry, that’s a natural response. It might be a cry of joy like, “You’re asking about my mother who just passed. I’d love to tell you a story,” but they have no one to talk to tell that story to.
That’s powerful. I’m talking about crying. I remember when I went through the loss of my uncle, I was still working at my corporate job. The thing with the sadness, the cry, or even all of this, you cannot plan when it’s going to show up. You might be normally doing your day-to-day stuff and suddenly, it bubbles up. I remember being in a meeting with my team. The meeting was going normal. Suddenly, I felt sad and out of nowhere, I turned off the camera because I knew what was going on. I started crying nonstop. I put myself on mute too.
After that meeting, someone reached out to me. She was my manager at that moment. She was like, “Are you okay? I noticed you have been showing up differently.” That was so meaningful because sometimes we need to process what’s going on even before talking to someone. Her reaching out, entered my space in a very special and safe way. It made me feel better that I wasn’t the only one. She gave me the example of her dad and how she’s still missing him. I was like, “I’m not the only one. That’s good to know.” I appreciated that.
It leads back to that first thing I’d said about loneliness, where it’s like, “I can appreciate your story of loss. Me too.” That is so important to realize. We need to talk about it.
That’s how we connect. You connect more with someone that shares a challenge or struggle with you than with someone’s surface level. That’s what connection is about. Melanie, let’s talk about, for example, you are grieving. Someone asks you, “Melanie, how are you doing?” They don’t know what’s going on. What would you say? Would you say, “I’m great?” How would you handle that? Many times, we feel that we have to show up all positive and like, “I’m doing amazing,” and then inside, you’re like, “No, I’m not.” What have you learned about that in your journey?
It would depend on who is asking me. If it was somebody that I truly trusted or it was a friend checking in on me, this is where my journey was because my answer to everybody throughout the years was, “I’m fine. I’ve got it. Things are good.” Now, I still think that is a part of me because it was so much a part of me in years past that I have to work on it to where it’s like, “This person who cares about me, this is a chance for me to say, ‘I’ve had some challenging days lately. This is what’s been going on.’” That truly is a lesson that I’m still learning.
I asked you because I’m working on it. I am trying to figure it out. I may have mentioned this. I’m finishing a book. It’s called The Way of Integrity. It’s all about showing up, making decisions, and living your life integrity with yourself. She mentioned that in a span of 5 to 10 minutes of conversation, we lied several times to be nice or to please others. “How are you doing?” “I’m doing great.” “I love your shoes.” Those are our examples. We are used to those white lies and her point is it doesn’t matter how white the lie is, it’s still a lie. It drives us away from that integrity. That’s something that I’m working on and I’m figuring out as I go how it feels in alignment with me to show up with more integrity.
How powerful is that? I will need to get that book name again from you because that’s so true. It’s the steps and to realize what we do is autopilot. We’re always like, “I’m fine,” versus, “This day has not been well.”
I’m still integrating into this situation. Every time I mention that, the person that I’m talking to laughs because they know they have been there. I’m raising my hand. It’s so true though. I truly recommend this book. I may have mentioned it already several times. It’s so good because out of every goal, out of every accomplishment, the maximum expression of happiness is to show up as we are in the most authentic and with a lot of integrity to honor ourselves. I truly recommend that. It’s powerful.
I love that. Honor yourself. If we’re in such deep grief, it means that we pull back and do not show up as society thinks we should be. That’s okay too.
Honor yourself. If that means we're in such deep grief that we pull back and do not show up as society thinks we should, that's okay too.
We have talked about grief. We have given a lot of meaningful examples. Thank you so much, Melanie, for your vulnerability because this is a deep topic. This is not a surface-level topic. This is a very deep vulnerable topic. I appreciate you and how you have shown up for the audience. I want to ask you, what have you done to continue healing that grief or what would you recommend to your clients if they’re going through the grieving process?
There are all sorts of actual techniques. I’m a psychotherapeutic yoga teacher which has allowed me to truly understand how the movement of the body can help us process the gamut of emotions from anger to sadness. It doesn’t have to be yoga, although that’s near and dear to my heart. I would encourage walking, getting out in nature, grounding, and coming into that present moment. What is it that brings you into the present moment? Is it a warm bath? Is it a soothing cup of warm tea? Is it being with a dear friend to hold space with?
It could look different for everybody where the modes of healing come in. That’s where I’ve spoken to you about offering yoga series as far as people coming together and understanding how the movement and how that feels as well as a space for them to be open to saying, “That’s me too. I’m right there. I feel the same exact way.” Why do those words feel so good to us when somebody can say, “I totally understand you? I thought I was the only one.”
I love that you said that you brought up the community aspect. At the end of the day, we are social beings. We strive. It’s so important and it also helps with that vulnerability and with acceptance when you say that to someone else. That’s another level of acceptance of, “Yes, this is happening.” If we’re denying things, we don’t talk about them. I love the body movement too.
I think meditation has helped a lot. Even the last experience of the ten days of Vipassana, I didn’t go to that experience thinking that I was going to realize I’m still processing grief. I thought I was going to become lighted by the end. I then open up those channels of like, “This is a blind spot and I’m happy that I have the awareness so I can continue healing and working through it.” Meditation has been a big one and it also allows you to be in the present moment to practice presence and acceptance, and also be in the uncertainty zone, which is the perfect moment. That’s the only moment that is uncertain. The other one is forgiveness. We mentioned that one too.
That is number one for me. With that said, it’s to have the ability to forgive in this process. To forgive those that we think should be our person or they should be calling more because we all process things differently. Again, the saying, “We’re doing the best that we can.” That is so hard to think that because we look at ourselves thinking that we should be doing it differently. At the moment, we are doing the best that we can.
I love that you mentioned forgiving the people around you because they’re not calling you enough. You don’t have any idea how many conversations I’ve had, including myself, of saying, “This person doesn’t call me enough.” There is a lot of forgiveness if you’re going through a challenging situation, knowing that the people around you are doing the best they can as Melanie mentioned.
I shared this meditation because, on my Instagram, I asked if the people from the audience had any questions about grief. I wanted to share a situation that someone shared with the hope that we would answer her question during this episode. I shared with her the forgiveness meditation already because I thought it would help her. I want to share that and get your thoughts to Melanie. Would that be okay?
She says how to come to terms with the grief. Her mother passed away and she hasn’t cried for her mother. Every time she feels it’s coming, she gets sick instead and her head starts hurting so badly. She thinks that it’s because unconsciously, she hasn’t come to terms with her being gone. There is a lot of the physical aspect here, which I know you specialize in. What are your first thoughts as you hear this story?
I would say to her, “It’s okay. You’re okay right where you’re at, tears or no tears.” Non-judgment is another big one. Forgiving ourselves, thinking that we “should be” crying. Hopefully, that gives her a little more space to feel okay. To let go, again, it’s like, “I should be crying over my mother. Why haven’t I shed my tears?” Immediately, we’re judging ourselves. What happens? The guilt comes in and the shame comes in. Hopefully, her acknowledging it and sharing that may loosen up the binds that she’s in for her to maybe seek out other modes of healing or therapy.
Acceptance and honoring how you’re showing up doesn’t matter how that is. It’s a powerful one. Therapy, too. We all have been through therapy. Some of us are still going through therapy or starting therapy. Also, forgiveness because sometimes people may think, “She didn’t do anything wrong to me or I didn’t do anything wrong to her,” etc. Forgiveness is also about coming to terms with acceptance, with what is, and allowing yourself to cleanse energetically from that tension that you feel because you are not acting like you’re supposed to. It’s letting go of that tension in your body and allowing yourself to heal and process.
Forgiveness does not mean that we condone the action.
I wanted to also thank this person for her vulnerability. Our heart goes to you. Thank you so much for sharing because you sharing your story allows other readers to also identify with the journey. We are not alone in this journey. We are in this together no matter what. Melanie, it’s time to end the episode. I’m so thankful to you. I’m so happy. This was a perfect combination for this topic. I love your recommendations, your wisdom, and your heart most of all. Also, all your technical knowledge but mainly your heart. Thank you so much for being here.
Thank you so much for having me. It’s my pleasure. It’s always a joy to spend time with you.
I know we have discussed comprehensively everything, but is there anything else that comes to mind as we conclude?
I encourage people to feel whatever is there in the moment and to accept that. Acceptance is all sorts of million pieces of acceptance, and it might be like, “I’m accepting that I’m sad right now,” and that is okay.
Thank you so much, Melanie. I hope our readers enjoy this conversation. If this was helpful for you, please share it with your friends, your family, or maybe someone that is still grieving or is not understanding what is going on with her or his emotions. Let’s share the light. Let’s share the healing. Thank you so much for tuning in. I’ll see you next time.
About Melanie Butz
Melanie Butz is a board-certified integrative health and wellness coach and a registered yoga and meditation teacher. Her passion is crafting customized wellness plans that include modalities such as NLP, yoga, breathwork, and hypnosis.
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